Confessions of a home decoraphobe...
20 minutes ago
1/13/12
bringing home the bacon? or cooking the bacon?
Happy Friday, y'all!
Today I have a smug married confession for you.
As you know, R and I are both lawyers. We're equals. We've always seen ourselves as partners... and although I sometimes struggle to do my half of the chores (as I've admitted before), we have always had distinct domains that we took care of.
This past fall, while R was doing some part-time work and looking for full-time jobs our roles began shifting. He was doing nearly all of the chores at home. I couldn't find anything around my house because he was doing all the cleaning and tidying up. He was even making dinner some nights (and doing a great job). Cooking had always been my job, one which I loved doing. I was starting to feel like my only contribution was my salary. I felt kind of useless. The things I used to do, he was now doing, and he was doing it BETTER than me. For a Type-A person, this is not a good feeling.
I found myself just getting lazier. What's the point of doing X, Y or Z if he does it better? I felt like our equal partnership was turning into a 1950s marriage, only backwards.
Now that R got a new job and is working more hours than me, things are shifting again. Now that he's not around as much I know that I have to pick up the slack around the house. I come home from work everyday and have dinner ready for him, on the table, when he gets home. I put in the laundry. I sort the mail. I feed the dog and take him out and get him settled before R gets home.
And I have to admit.......it feels good. It feels really good.
Is this because I'm a woman and I get an innate satisfaction out of taking care of my husband? I don't think so. I think it has more to do with the fact that we all need to feel needed. We all need to feel like we are bringing something to the table.
For me, cooking a good meal makes me feel good. Better than just bringing home a paycheck. I don't think I'm cut out to be the breadwinner. Work will never be my "thing"... so having that be my main contribution to our marriage is not satisfying to me. But everyone is different...
How does your partnership work? Do you share everything equally? Does one of you have the primary career and is one of you the CEO of the house? Do you like it how it is or do you wish it was allocated differently?
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My husband & I have traditionally been the same way-always doing our share, and never putting the burden on one of us. However, like your situation, our roles shift depending on what's going on. When I was studying for the bar, my husband did everything. It was glorious. I definitely got used to it and became pretty lazy. Now that he's in school & also working (grad school, studying to be a registered dietician), I've taken on more of the housework. And like you, I actually really like it. Even though I refuse to be a 1950's housewife ;)
ReplyDeleteI'd say we are pretty equal on most fronts but I take on more of the cleaning than he does.
ReplyDeleteThis is really interesting... I've talked about this with some of my other newly married friends as well. When I was looking for a job this past year, I was seriously in such a funk. Not having a job was fun for like 3 weeks, and then it was terrible. I haaattttteeee doing stuff around the house. I do it, obviously, because it has to be done and J thinks cleaning the shower every 6 months is totally all you need to do, but I don't like cleaning or doing laundry or even cooking, really. And I really did not want to get into a pattern where J was working and I was the one doing everything for the house because being a "housewife" is my worst nightmare. (Seriously, even the word is so ridiculous.) So I got lazy too, but it was because I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, nothing to wake up for every day, nothing to really contribute. It was a really hard thing for both us. Now that I've finally found a job, we are both much, much happier. Plus, with two incomes, we can afford to have someone come do the really horrible jobs like scrubbing baseboards and cleaning ceiling fans. :)
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a good Smug Married arrangement to me, where you're both flexible enough to change as the situation warrants - and as personalities/Type As prefer.
ReplyDeleteThe Anonymous Husband has always had the longer hours/better paycheck gig than me, so I did a bit more around the house pre-child than he did; now, of course, I'm officially the home CEO. That being said, he was (and is) the better cook and enjoys that, so he'd make dinner most nights pre-kid and still cooks on the weekend now. We've never really sat down & organized chores, funny enough, but it has worked out somehow over time.